Hope A 2/24/16 Hope A 2/24/16

Dreams

For this month's postcard for the Keep Writing subscription, I wanted to have something special for February, a Valentine or a something for the shortest-month-Black-history month. At the last minute, I though of these. I had this dream months ago, and had written it down immediately. I had come across a quote I had written down in my tiny book of notable sayings:

The sleeping brain/has eyes that shine the light/we can never see

It seemed perfect. I drew a lunar moth, thinking of a friend's Mardi Gras costume, a Polaroid I still have, she was guiding a parade through an intersection, glowing. I put it together and almost forgot about it until 2 weeks later when it was time to print.

Suddenly it seemed too raw, too down, too much. It felt like the millionth post script on a conversation ended. Except the conversation hasn't ended for me. My friend died last August, I've made more than one postcard about it. I took a week off work, stayed home, talked with friends. I went to the memorial in October. And that should be it. But it isn't close.

He wasn't part of my daily life though he did write to me often, sometimes weekly. But we rarely talked on the phone, I missed his wedding and did not know when I could visit. I did not know the depth of his struggles until he sent a brief note before he died, and even then he downplayed the struggle. My friend was struggling with alcohol addiction, was hiding it from even his best friends, and now I talk about him in my dreams.

I think about this as I learn of an acquaintance*, a friend's son whom I knew mostly as a teenager, who also struggled with addiction. He passed away a few days ago and although I cannot remember a single conversation I had with him, I can remember the times I talked with his mom about him. I had an idea about it but no details, only that there was struggle. He was outwardly a warm sweet kid, a lot of fun. I'm saddened to hear of his passing, cannot imagine the pain for his family, only know enough details to form a vague picture but nothing else.

I heard someone else talk about this lately, this struggle to deal with death, with grieving. I have friends who have found ways with art, or with talking about lost friends daily, maintaining a living memory. I am a loss. I light candles, keep photos, tell stories, but sometimes (late at night on the rocks over looking the city while drinking with a friend) I realize there is so much more.

I have more than one friend dealing with the recent loss of a parent and I know there will only be more. I am still only learning the things to say in such grief as support, I still don't know what do in my dreams.

*I found out through facebook and do not have a lot of details. Most of the people I knew who knew him are aware already. I live far away and am removed from his circle of family and friends. So if you are wondering if it is someone you know, it probably isn't. His family is keeping it private and I wanted to respect that. If you have other questions you can email me at gutwrenchpress@gmail.com

Hope A 2/23/16 Hope A 2/23/16

Monday!

Oh New England of my youth, I am almost sorry to tell you that February in California is the best.

I've never hated Mondays. I've rarely had one full time job and never one with a Monday through Friday routine. I used to dread Sundays in high school but those milquetoast afternoons were always worse than Monday mornings. If you know me at all, you may know I rarely take a day off and it is almost never planned. I have a schedule for sure, that I write and re-write in my planner. I even plan a day off.

The past few months have been rough--Andy's schedule is constantly shifting, and I have been feeling the lasting effects of loosing a good friend with secrets. I love rain and hibernating and baths but lately the noise of the city and the noise in my brain have me craving wide open spaces of light. We rode to the park last week where I discovered the sketchiest day time bathroom outside a BART station. I read on the couch last week. Both were good. But not wholly satisfying.

This morning we headed out unplanned to breakfast. The coffee seemed stronger and the sun warmer so I convinced Andy to adventure through the shipyards of the port of Oakland to the most expansive and underused park in Oakland. Views of San Francisco across the bay, of the bridge of the hills to the southwest. It is a weird oasis, quiet and large, mostly used by Canadian geese. Benches face the Bay, there is an observation tower and it isn't a Superfund site as I suspected. I do not know why it is here. I have written about it before but every visit is a reminder that I am not long for the city life, even with donuts and coffee. I'll share my secret place with you again because there is room for us both. And if you ever want company to see the sun set, I'm in.

I love this weird park with its AT-ST walkers and grass

Hope A 2/5/16 Hope A 2/5/16

Luck Schmuck

Written for my sister, Kim, for her 37th birthday, and read at the Lucky & zine reading ,both on January 7th 2016.

Today is my sister's 37th birthday. My favorite number. My favorite sister (though also the only sister I grew up with). 37: Prime number. Odd and indivisible.

My sister was born January 7th 1979, the thirteenth day of Christmas--unlucky day of clearing the plates, taking down the tree, sweeping up after the wise men and getting back to work. Unlucky birthday of too close to Christmas, and extra unlucky if you care about football, playoff season and your 7th birthday party (here we go again) was held on the same day as the New England Patriots AFC playoff game versus the Miami Dolphins. Its bad enough to have your birthday smushed up against Christmas but then a tailgating themed party? Our 8 year old neighbor Josh Ross was almost sent home for wearing Dolphins colors in a strictly New England Patriots household. They tolerated my interest in the Minnesota vikings because it was never a contest and they all knew I just liked the purple and gold---ominous foretelling to my years at LSU live Purple bleed Gold.) Back to the party; we were an hour north of Boston, not Florida, you could tell by the snowdrifts, and the winner of the game was heading to the Superbowl against the Chicago Bears (and my birthday twin Walter Peyton) in New Orleans, my future home (this is too much!) but I was more interested in the Superbowl Shuffle. But who could blame an 8 year old boy with his lucky/unlucky red hair and freckles to choose the soft tropical turquoise and orange over the staunch red white and blue. It was just a game. The Patriots won the playoff game but then lost the Superbowl by a million, a few days after that the Challenger spaceship burst mid air on a million televisions. That was weeks later. On this day, my family relented and let Josh in for cake.

I was born mid-summer , July 25, 1977 so I've always believed in the number 7. Seventh month, 25th day , 77th year. The 25th is a good day too: Christmas, the day I got my braces off, an anniversary. Christmas in July. 2 plus 5 equals 7. Lucky 7. By the way, Walter Peyton, the aforementioned running back with my birthday was born in 1953 and wore uniform number 34. Thirty four: 3 plus 4 is seven. Also his nickname was “Sweetness” which is just about my favorite sports nickname I know.

There is a flaw to my 7 love. If you want to be strict about the rules of numerology--add all the digits of . 7th month, 25th day, 1977, 7 plus 2 plus 5 plus 1 plus 9 plus 7 plus7 equals 38-- so close! Add those digits: 3 plus 8 equals 11-- one plus one equals 2. Two! Such a solid, reliable number, firm like 2 feet, a relationship, but also a line, two endpoints. But what is religion without a little wiggle room, even science gets reformed according to needs sometimes. So ill take 7, soften the edges, no corners, a little lopsided, asymmetric, that sounds about right. I'm romanticizing numbers here but I will get back to my point. You're 37, sister. From here, you make your own luck.

Hope A 12/30/15 Hope A 12/30/15

Holiday Newsletters

I never really got holiday newsletters. I had one friend who wrote them but at some point I stopped receiving cards from them. I never minded them, and i like the idea of catching up on the past year. Even with letters I often feel like I am missing so much in my faraway friends' lives. But I wanted it to be fun for everyone. And I've never written a madlib.

Well now I have. I have to tell you there were a few amazing excerpts I have already received:

After all that excitement I am looking forward to a quiet holiday at home getting ready and lying.

After years of hard work, Keldric finally did drugs.

I am going back to school for death so by next summer I should be a fully licensed tech bot. You'll know who to turn to for your emptiness,

With thanks to Alyssa for answering hte phone at night to help me out. Also Andy let me try at least two versions on him. The newsletter is much better because of their input.

You can read all the responses plus see all the mail I've reverenced through his project at www.keepwritingpostcards.tumblr.com

Hope A 12/30/15 Hope A 12/30/15

Best Moments of 2015

Spoiler: they almost all involve crying

1. Reading from Light on Yoga at my teacher training graduation...Last January I began yoga teacher training unsure of where it might lead me. I attended classes, I read, I studied, I often felt like it wasn't making sense. Then, every once in a while, it would. At our graduation we were all offered a moment to read something, to share, to talk. Some people thanked our teachers. At least one Mary Oliver poem was read. And I read this, BKS Iyengar's instructions for headstand:

The best way to overcome fear is to face with equanimity the situation of which one is afraid. Then one gets the correct perspective, and one is not frightened anymore. To topple over while learning the head stand is not as terrible as we imagine. If one over balances, one should remember to loosen the interlocked fingers, relax, go limp and flex the knees. Then one will just roll over and smile.

Life lessons from Iygengar. Lighten up. It is not so scary. Roll over and smile.

2.Being in the same room with so many people I haven't seen together in so long, if ever, for the best/worst reason...Travis' death in August was unexpected in its form and timing. I felt like I had missed so much to not understand how he could have arrived at that end. In October I was able to fly to NY to meet up with some of my closest friends, including a few close friends who I had never seen together. I met new friends who I had somehow not yet met. We laughed about how uncomfortable Travis would have been with this gathering, this celebration of him. We cried too. I was mostly just teary eyed through out, damp in the corners, until the last moment when someone sweetly hugged me and it was terrible and comforting all at once.

3. Teaching my first yoga class...I was on my way to a friend's first class when she got into a minor car accident and asked me to cover. My first class wasn't supposed to be for a few days and so I should've been ready and I wasn't sure if I was but I did it. Not too many students and probably there were a few things I wish I hadn't said or done. Its been six months, at 2-3 classes per week and I still get nervous often enough but I still like it every time.

4.Every time I decide to keep going....I'm getting older and I am less impulsive about wanting to give up. I can see the long view more often. That doesn't mean I don't get frustrated with situations, people, work. But most of the time I decide it is worth the effort not to give up and find a way to make to work, as long as there is a way to make it work. And usually, so far, that has reaped unexpected results that I would have never know.

5. Meeting a friend and finding a very dark place...I have been living in Oakland for three years but only recently have I felt that I have friends I can just call up when I need to. One night, Andy was at work and I didn't want to be alone. I didn't have to explain. I felt lucky to have a friend to meet me, walk me to a very dark tiny park, talk for a bit and then go meet Andy at work to ride home with him. It was the most comfortable I have felt here in three years.

6.Hiking on a forever hike in shitty shoes but getting to the real story...August 2015 was the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. I went to the beach with other Louisiana friends. Quickly I realized my relationship to this experience was different. We played card games, drank on the beach I went for walks alone, wrote letters, missed my friends in New Orleans. The next day we went for a hike to a waterfall, underestimating the 5 mile hike and not bringing enough water. It was amazing to see the waterfall that spilled right onto the beach, despite our thirst. On the way back, finding ways to distract out selves from hunger and thirst we took turns telling stories. It was almost as good as the tall sweet can of sugary water I drank an hour later. My black glitter keds are still dusty from the hike.

7. My birthday. The whole day. Gin and tonic and pizza in a party dress, writing letters with friends at my art show, coming home. I don't think I cried though.

8. Swimming. Wait. Did I really not go swimming this year? We stayed in a cabin but it was too cold. We stayed at the beach but only walked in the sand. I went to Tennessee but the river was low and I wasn't sure we should swim in it. I napped on Glass Beach with the other members of subset as we contemplated buying a papermaking studio, but I was wearing a sweater. With Derek gone this summer did I really forget to go swimming? Maybe? Maybe not.Wait! Lake Anza: Me vs the Very Hot Sand (and the Threat of Swimmers Itch). Phew. ed. my dad wrote to me that I did go swimming in Tennessee. He brought us to a state park. We had a picnic. I stayed in the water most of the time though I tried to read too. Like when I was little and my dad would bring us to the pond in our hometown. Except my sister and I are nicer to each other now. Yay for swimming.

Ok, goal for 2016, more outside, more swimming. I think I have crying and friends down.

Hope A 12/30/15 Hope A 12/30/15

Shark Attack!

For November's postcard, I wanted to accomplish two things:

experiment with overlaying two colors to create a third color
make something with the image of a shark to be included in the annual animal themed fundraiser at the Practice Gallery in Philadelphia.

You many not have even realized that I have goals each month, that I am not just making up designs willy-nilly. Well, there is some of that too. But it is nice to have a goal, a chance to refine a skill, or just show off. When I was training on the Heidelberg at Painted Tongue Studios, I didn't quite realize how tight the registration was on their designs. (Oh, non-printer side note here: in letterpress each color is laid down individually, on a separate run through the press. So if the design has two colors that are close together with fine lines, it is important that they line up. That is called registration.) Once in a while they would lay one color onto another, often using a cool red and a green to create brown. The card would have three colors with only two runs through the press (and with your fellow printer-in-training only crying once or twice). When I left Painted Tongue, I opted for a much more loose style. Until I remembered the magic of overlays. And so here I was, wanting to use a little more green in my print without having to clean off the press and add that color. Viola, my favorite teal made of lime green and bright blue.

As for the shark, you may have noticed that most of my designs are text-heavy. I also like to look through Dover books of old printers cuts--things that would be lead images if I had moveable type. Since I don't I make my own plates form old cuts. But once in a while I can't find what I need. I barely passed my drawing classes in school, but it is fun to practice. This is what you get. This creeper. I made a few prints which were hand colored and then stored away somewhere. I really need to get back to cleaning up my studio.

PS Thanks Charity for asking me to participate in the fundraiser. And yes, my name is Hope and I know someone named Charity. Also we are both from New Hampshire. True story.

Hope A 12/14/15 Hope A 12/14/15

Trip to New Orleans in Pictures

Every year, I return to New Orleans with the pretense of tabling at the Bookfair but really i want to visit my friends. This year, the bookfair was moved to December so I signed up for NOCAZ--the New Orleans Comic and Zine Fest, on November 14th.

Visits are always a whirlwind but I carried a small notebook with me and sketched bits about my visit while it was happening.

We'll come back to this. Nevermind that I can't draw pelicans.

And then there are about 3 pages I haven't inked, just pencil sketches I did on the flight home. Crystal and I had an adventure but all you need to know that is that sometimes it is good to have a night where you say YES to everything, even if that means you are uptown at midnight trying to find your way home. We found it. The way was back along the river, of course.

Hope A 10/29/15 Hope A 10/29/15

Yes!

Since I started my yoga teacher training last January, I have been thinking of ways to combine my two forms of work--yoga and letterpress. This month, I introduced my first asana postcard. Asana means pose. Yoga is made up of a few different steps on the path to truth and asana is just one of these steps. It is what you might be most familiar with and what you think of when you think of a yoga class. For my training I memorized about 50 asana in english and sanskrit. To help with my studies, I made flashcards with stick figure drawings. What made this way more fun than rote memorization was on Saturday mornings when Andy would read the English word from the card and I would tell him the sanskrit and then do my best to demonstrate the pose. If only I had acted out my Italian verb flashcards! Maybe that would have helped.

For this card, I chose a pose I did not have to memorize, that is not in any of my texts. Yesasana was the namemy teacher used when she showed us this pose in class. Stand with your feet slightly wider than your hips, stand tall lifting your arms over head. Say yes! It was shown to us with the idea that this pose makes you feel confident and powerful and that just by standing with confidence you may feel more confident as you go into a meeting, give a speech or take a test. In contrast, if you allow your shoulders to hunch in towards your chest, hand your head, it may be harder you to feel powerful and positive. I like to practice this pose when I am tired or not my plan is about to work or before a long day of printing. Try it! Next time you are dreading something, or are nervous or unsure.

This seemed like a great month to try out the mobile postbox. The studio where I teach and practice, Square One Yoga agreed to host the box so students could participate and share their favorite poses. The postbox is there through the end of the month and I have already been receiving responses in the mail. Yes!